Giving In

Title: Giving In

Genre: OC, slash, but no sex as of yet, and NO spanking. The last stories events are alluded to, but nothing else. Sorry next one promise!

Couple: Not exactly, but we’ll see about that

Summery: Sean has issues and does way to much thinking.

Author’s note: this is longer than the other one, I’ve worked on it for some time – a year just about. I wasn’t able to fit a spanking into this part, but I’ve got plenty of ideas for these guys. Hope some of you will read it anyway.

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Giving In

I was late and my boss kept ringing me as I tried to keep my balance in the overcrowded bus. I hated these crammed busses – they seemed to have been built especially with tall, skinny people and pickpockets in mind. Of course, up until Tuesday I would never have dreamt that I’d ever ride on one of these, but here I was, me on the bus and my car, well I preferred not to think about it, but who would have thought anyone would want to steal that?

An exasperating beep prodded me to find the phone in my pocket.

“Where are you, Fenner!?!” “On the bus, sir, the traffic isn’t moving.” “You’d better be here soon, Fenner! Mr. Starke, is a new client and he is not prepared to wait forever!” “Yes, sir, I know, sir.” “You have ten minutes!! Or start looking for a new line of work!!!”

Looking at the time I considered just snatching the paper that an old lady held and check work-ads while I was stuck in what was know as public transportation for god knows how long, and with no chance of getting off in the middle of the road. Naturally, I was half an hour late when I hesitantly knocked on the door to the meeting room. A colleague, Jeannie, opened and gave me an odd smile, which I could’ve taken for being compassionate, then she turned to the others.

“He’s finally arrived.”

I tried not to look as if I was creeping through the door, but that was probably the impression I gave. I mumbled several excuses and watched my boss with the same eerie feeling I used to get as a boy and our teacher glared at me when I was late for school.

“Terribly sorry, it was a dead stop, it didn’t budge for fifteen minutes…” I trailed off as his glare went from me to our client altering into an amiable smile on its way.

“Please, accept the firm’s sincerest apologies, Fenner is the best we have, his only weakness is his tardiness and he does come with excuses,” my boss can sound so humble when he speaks with a client and he gets that annoying smile where his glasses bounce on his plump cheeks.

“I do have other appointments today, and I do hope that this presentation will make up for the loss of time I’ve suffered here!” Mr. Starke spun the chair around from the window and the stern face changed abruptly to a completely muddled expression when he saw me – I’m sure I didn’t look any better. He found his composure far quicker than I did, though.

“So, Mr. Fenner, are we starting soon?” he asked, but I was still too confused to think straight.

“Fenner?” my boss hissed. One deep breath – businesslike – collected. Now let’s begin.

“Sorry, sir. It’s… er, nice to see you again, Mr. Starke, I hadn’t expected you here… er, I trust you’ve been well,” I said conversationally as I brought out files and handed out diagrams. I tried to act naturally as if only renewing an old acquaintance. The truth was I had almost put him out of my mind after he dropped me off at home. Thinking back now, I realised we hadn’t even exchanged last names. It had all been too strange and surreal; I could hardly remember what we’d talked about at all.

“I have, and your back is better, I take it?” he answered. Bastard!

“Yes, much better,” I said ‘no thanks to you’ I added to myself, god was he impertinent.

“Patched things up with the newlyweds I heard,” he continued, mischief in his eyes.

“As always,” I smiled faintly and wondered how true that was. I had to admit I was beginning to enjoy this; it was rather entertaining leaving my boss and colleagues out of our little chat.

“Good, good.”

“Shall we get started?” my boss asked and I could swear much more modest now.

“Of course, sir. This is the plan for the…”

The further the meeting progressed the less sure I was of how it was going. There was something amused in his eyes to begin with, then something decisive and then I couldn’t read them anymore. I became increasingly nervous and was almost stuttering at the conclusion.

During the rest of the meeting, my boss took over and I tuned out the discussion, which, though it was significant to my workload and pay, didn’t interest me very much.

As the meeting came to an end my boss shook hands with the firms latest client and then rapped me hard on the shoulder, which made me sway slightly and told me “Good work, Fenner!” before he left. To tell the truth he stopped in the doorway and frowned at me. “You’ll work in the lost hour this evening,” he said and I held in the deep sigh until he had disappeared, but then I let it out into my briefcase so that the papers fluttered.

“Detention, eh?” someone laughed by the door and I looked up.

“I guess you could call it that,” I smiled.

“Care to join me for a beer after work, maybe a bite, in a friendly fashion?” he asked.

I thought about the work I needed to get done, but decided I hadn’t had a proper night out in too long, so I smiled dryly and nodded yes. He suggested a pub he knew about and since I had no better suggestion I agreed.

“Meet me at six thirty, then?”

“Fine with me,” I answered casually keeping any implications out of my voice. I didn’t want him to think I had said yes to anything other than a meeting between acquaintances and apparently he didn’t for the smile he gave me was merely polite.

“See you then.”

At approximately six twenty five, I shuffled the papers on my desk, put my newest assignment in a folder and stuffed it down with the rest in my briefcase. I checked my calendar to see what needed to be done until tomorrow, but I realised I was already finished. Well, great that meant I could get down to work on the Starke – damn! I had forgotten that I was supposed to meet him now. I nearly collided with Jeannie as I rushed towards the lifts.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” she called after me.

“I’m meeting someone!” I called back, then realising that all the ones still left at the office had heard me, and that the ones, who weren’t here would know by lunch tomorrow – and they were sure to read whatever they wanted into it.

“Who is she? Anyone I know?” she asked – at least on that score I was keeping quiet.

The place wasn’t hard to find and I managed to get there without mishaps, but about twenty minutes late. I walked very hesitantly in through the door and glanced around, it was not crowded, but enough people were there to state that it was a popular place among business men. I liked it immediately, the atmosphere was brisk and the interior was just in my taste, with murals of painted landscapes and wood panelling.

I was a tad nervous, I wasn’t sure of what I should do if I didn’t find him; perhaps he had given up on me and left. I decided I could always have a bear and try to make conversation with some other loner. However, it turned out I didn’t have to, for he appeared at a table in the back from where he had obviously seen me come in.

“Fenner!” he called, not loudly, and beckoned me over. As I approached I realised he wasn’t alone; there were two other men at the table. One was a sturdy man in his thirties, probably, and the other seemed far younger and was uncommonly attractive.

“Sorry to be late, I lost track of time working,” I said casually.

“Never mind,” Starke said, “this is Sean Fenner. I believe I told you about him, Sebastian. This is Sebastian Mitford, my dearest friend and his partner.”

“Nice to meet you, Ronan has told me so much about you,” I was certain it was merely a statement of courtesy, but all the same I was chilled to the bones and had to swallow hard before I could even express a reply.

“My pleasure, I assure you,” I said. Starke motioned me over to the chair next to him and smiled enigmatically towards me when I sat down; I had no idea what he was grinning at and it disturbed me tremendously. “I didn’t catch your name…” I hinted at the attractive youth next to me while reaching for the menu.

“That’s because he forgot to mention it,” the young man said without hiding the insulting tone that crept into his voice, but still I felt it wasn’t directed at me. He held out a hand. “Call me Lee,” he continued much friendlier and I was sure he winked at me, I cast a look at the other man, but he didn’t seem to have noticed.

“Shall we order?” Starke asked and we did.

For about an hour I felt I was the centre of attention, yet, my thoughts drifted back to what it might mean that he had friends with him, perhaps they had simply just met here. Still, I was on my toes, feeling a bit outnumbered.

At about eight the young man, Lee, was becoming fidgety and restless. He tried to draw his partner’s attention to himself by pinching him above the elbow, hard, but extremely discretely, I wouldn’t have noticed it if it hadn’t been for the other man’s reaction; he flinched and clutched at his arm with a hurt expression.

“What did you do that for?” he mumbled. Lee glared at him with open hostility and answered arrogantly that he wanted to go home.

“There’s no need to get like that,” the man said and got up, “but we shouldn’t intrude anymore anyway.” Starke rose too and gave him a quick hug before the couple disappeared the taller a few paces behind, still rubbing his arm.

“Cute couple,” I said with a raised eyebrow to indicate I was somewhat curious.

“Sebastian is the sweetest person on God’s green earth, he wouldn’t harm a fly and Lee is a contemptible little leech who does all he can to break his heart, and that’s all I have to say about that!” Starke had sat down, he looked at me as if he dared me to press on, and I smiled at him.

“Sebastian and you known each other long?” I asked not dropping it completely, but still changing the angle. He gave me a wry smile and shook his head as if to say he was on to me, but he did answer.

“I’m not sure exactly how long we’ve known each other, years anyway.”

“Ah,” he didn’t want to talk about it. “So…” I said and was suddenly out of topics. It was harder to talk now that we were alone, and I tensed a tad. I’d be lying if I claimed that I had put the wedding episode behind me, and Starke’s dear friend’s casual courtesy had got me thinking about it again. One part of me – the vindictive part – was thinking in terms of giving him a piece of my mind, but that wasn’t possible here for obvious reasons and I really didn’t know where to begin.

“You seem to be done,” he said nodding towards my empty plate.

“Ah, yeah,” I said and put my fork down, “seems like I am.”

“You wouldn’t…” he stopped suddenly looking doubtful, “I don’t want to impose on you,” he continued slowly, “if I’m out of line tell me so… but would it be to much to ask if we went for a walk?”

“Now?” I asked as I took out my wallet.

“Yes. Oh, I can get…”

“Really, I’d rather…”

He put up both hands in a surrendering gesture and I paid my share of the bill.

It was dark out and the night air was slightly chilly, making me shove my hands in my pockets, which in turn led me to finding my cigarettes. I wondered if smoking was an option and then I wondered why on earth I wondered in the first place – it wasn’t like I cared what he thought about me… was it? I decided it wasn’t and brought the cigarette out.

“You don’t mind?” I said while lighting a match; he looked at me with a bemused smile.

“Oh, the cigarette? No that’s fine,” he answered and actually looked like he didn’t care.

We strolled quietly through a small park and I suddenly didn’t feel so very uncomfortable anymore.

 “You know,” I said and tried to act my work self for awhile, “I haven’t quite got over your teasing me this morning.”

“I teased you?” he said and smiled again looking bemused – it was a rather cute expression.

“Well, what else do I call it?” There was laughter in his eyes, and I realised that I’d just put myself in a very awkward position and would have to get myself out of it because he would clearly not be helping me.

“I’m like that I’m afraid, given the chance,” Mr. Ronan Starke looked at me for awhile, “if you’re after an apology, forget it! You got less than you deserved.”

Now that I hadn’t expected – who did he think he was? I stopped and stared at him and he turned to face me, the charming bemused look nowhere to be seen. He looked at me intently and there was a challenging glint in his eyes.

“I think I should take a cab,” I mumbled and began walking away from him; he stopped me with a hand on my shoulder.

“Wait, Sean… I am sorry if this will affect our business relationship. I suppose I could say I want someone else to take it…” he seemed less certain and actually a bit concerned. I was shocked and apparently he saw that because he continued reassuringly, “Your company won’t lose the business, of course…”

“No, no, really I don’t mix business and personal! And I never lose a client. Don’t think my work will suffer because of, well this… thing,” I spoke fast and with a hint of both anxiety and anger – how dared he imply that I couldn’t do my job just because he had… damn him for even saying it!

We stood looking at each other and then his face lit up in a smile that revealed sudden comprehension and also surprise.

“You’re really upset with me,” he stated, shaking his head in astonishment.

“Yes! Wouldn’t you be?” I asked, finding it hard to believe he could really be surprised that I would be. “After what you did to me?” I lowered my voice and looked away.

“I didn’t do that much and I didn’t harm you. I mean, I’m just not the kind of person who stands by doing nothing, while my friends are having their wedding day ruined, and anyway, as I recall I gave you every opportunity to say no, and you didn’t! Not once!”

He was right, I’d been too shocked to speak, but still he had asked. I have never been good at admitting when I’m wrong, that has been the reason for many of the break-ups I’ve been through – well they’re not that many actually. For awhile I could only lick my lips and try not to go over that day in my head, but still every detail came back clearly. Kicking him in the shin had been my culminating mistake and in all honesty I could only admit it was all my fault and well that I had deserved what I got – someone else might have knocked my teeth out.

“You’re right,” I said and looked up at him, trying to control my breathing as I spoke.

“I know”, he said and grinned, but I looked away. For me it was a big step admitting this, not to him, but to myself. He could make light of it all he cared, but somehow it seemed to be changing my conception of myself and that really frightened me.

“I really should try to get a cab,” I said. “Lots to do, you know how it is.”

I attempted to sound casual and perhaps I managed it too, because he smiled and nodded. Still, my legs had forgotten how to make me walk, so I remained standing there like a bloody fool – like waiting for permission to go, and now why on earth would I be feeling like that? I gave him a quizzical look and shrugged.

“Well, I’ll be seeing you then, letting you know how the job’s going, you know.”

“Yes, that’ll be great.”

“Great. Well, I’ll be off then,” he nodded and finally I managed to get my feet to lift from the ground. Sure, bloody great, about as bloody great as having surgery without anaesthetics.

My answering machine was blinking at me when I got home and I pushed play as I kicked my shoes into a corner and threw my coat on a chair.

>> Er, Peter here, hate these things, forget it. Just well, mum’s birthday, she’d love you to come! All right? << – No! However eloquently put, I was not going to face his parents just yet –

>> Sean Patrick Fenner? It’s your father speaking! I heard you made an ass of yourself at Peter’s wedding, had to hear it from Flora. Your mother is so ashamed, have you apologised? I’ll just tell you… << – Just what I needed, my dad having a go at me too, the irony was he had just recently stopped saying ‘if you weren’t too old for a spanking’ and then trailing off since I clearly was – had thought I was –

>> Hi, darling, it’s Brian, forgive you for the black eye, you horrid man you, but only because the banker turned out to be gay and got off on aiding a poor little fairy with broken wings *giggle* << – I’d have to remember not to punch him when he might have something to gain from it –

The next few messages was from work and some paper wanting me to subscribe. I went to the kitchen and made some tea and then sat down to watch TV for a few hours. I sunk into the pillows in my couch; I’m quite fond of my apartment, it’s got a splendid view and it’s not too big to keep clean – that is it wouldn’t be if I had the time to tidy up. I could just bet Mr. Starke was quite the neat freak, he just seemed the type. I caught myself picturing him going around my place picking up dirty socks from the floor and I nearly spilled my tea laughing, but it stuck in my throat. Why did I even picture him in my apartment? As if he would ever come within a mile of it.

The mere thought of him made me tremble with withheld anger – well I could pretend it was anger, if it wasn’t, I couldn’t be sure of what it was, because I knew fear and it wasn’t fear. Fear was a cold knot at the bottom of your stomach when you looked at people who thought they knew you and said the words that would change everything forever. Fear was something I knew well, fear was like ice, but this feeling, this was just emptiness, a strange shivering sensation that I couldn’t place.

It would be interesting to know what he was thinking right now. Probably that he would get someone else to do my job. Maybe he’d speak to my boss first thing tomorrow I realised with sudden anxiety. That wouldn’t surprise me in the least. Well my boss wouldn’t exchange me if I’d done most of it.

“Good morning, Fenner, you’re done with the Starke project I presume?” my boss was sitting cross-legged on top of his desk wearing a purple wig and high heels. I frowned while handing him a file, but couldn’t think of why it felt wrong.

“This isn’t it, Fenner!” my boss said and I felt panic rise in me. Not it? It had to be it, I’d worked all night! I started looking through my briefcase, papers poured out over the floor and my boss sat there in his wig looking angrier and angrier. The flood of papers rose around me.

“What will they all say when I tell them Sean Fenner forgot work over a man?” Jeannie gave me a sinister smile from somewhere above me.

“No, no, I didn’t!” I tried to object and back away. I had to find those papers. I was done damn it!

“You should’ve been done, Fenner, now you’ll be punished!” my boss dove into the sea of paper that now had reached my neck – I couldn’t move. “Punished!”

“Can you believe it? Sean Fenner, a queer? A bloody queer?” Jeannie did a dance on my boss’s desk laughing. I couldn’t breathe.

“And now he’ll be punished,” my boss floated on the papers and nodded at the door – a figure appeared, arms crossed and a sweet, bemused smile on his lips…

Cold water rushed down over my tired, sweaty face – I simply had to clear my head from the foggy feeling of sleep, it wasn’t like me to fall asleep over my work, not as early as 2 a.m. anyway. I could still get some work done before work though, despite the fact that I’d lost nearly two hours drowsing like some baby.

That dream had been really absurd, I thought while drying my hair, it still gave me the chills; I’d felt like I was drowning, everything coming down around me like a card-house that I’d carefully built from scratch and then… and why had I dreamt about him? I don’t know if I’d actually seen that I was Starke, but I’d known it was him in my gut.

“Sean, you need psychiatrist!” I told myself while sitting down at my desk again.

“Hello!”

I started at the hands coming down on the top of my desk and found myself looking up at the pale blue eyes I knew so well.

“Peter…?”

“You didn’t get back to me!” he tapped his fingers on the desk giving me a quizzical smile.

“Oh, sorry I forgot! I’ve been busy lately,” I said presenting him with a remorseful grin folding some papers over and placing them in my drawer.

“Yeah, well it’s today, she wants you to come, you always come, and now that your parents are in Spain? Come on, what do you say, you only need to stay a few hours – two, two hours!” if someone knows how to win me over it’s Peter – actually there is just no way I can disappoint him intentionally.

“I made such a fool of myself when I last saw them…”

“Don’t you think I’ve made a fool of myself before them? They love you just as much as they do me, dad’s even said he’s surprised you haven’t been around…”

“Peter, I can’t I’ve got work!”

“Fine! Hide behind your work! Linda is right about you! Always putting up this front, hiding and pretending!”

“Shut up, Peter!” I hissed while staring wildly at the door to my office then lowering my voice. “And please spare me what *Linda* has to say about me, all right? She doesn’t know a thing about me!”

He sat down on my desk with arms crossed and a pout. I began gathering my papers and clearing up for the day, he glanced at me, but when I looked up he turned back – he was so childish sometimes.

“Peter…”

“So you’ll come?” he beamed at me, I sighed smiling and nodded.

Edina came around the house when we got out of Peter’s car, mine still being in whatever place cars go after people take them for a spin at night. Her face shone bright with joy to see us and she didn’t look at all the sixty three years she’d seen go by – she, like Peter, would never lose the youth and innocence radiated from those blue eyes. She kissed her son and then greeted me the same way.

“Oh, look at you, so gaunt and pale, you don’t eat enough, Sean. What would your mother say?”

“Exactly what you just said, Eddie,” I laughed and smiled, she had so much in common with Peter, being quick to forgive was one. “You look wonderful, you’ve had your hair done haven’t you?” I continued looking her over. “A little colour too I think.”

“Why yes, I have, of course you would see, Harry and Peter haven’t even noticed it yet,” she blushed a little and gave her son a bantering look. “Bri… oh I mean Tessa, helped me with the dye.”

“You’re lucky it didn’t turn out purple then,” I said with a grin, thinking about my odd dream, as we walked around to the back; Peter laughed as well. Then my grin froze and my breath caught – what was he doing here?

He hadn’t seen us yet from where he was standing, a drink in hand, speaking with Linda as it appeared. Then, laughing at something he turned his head, looking straight at me as if he’d known I’d be there. My throat went dry.

“Sean!” I tore my gaze from his and faced Harry, who came up patting my back. “Where have you been hiding?”

“Work, you know, I should really apologise for last…” I began but he just waved it off.

“Never mind, all forgotten, it’s nice to see you. Oh, Eddie needs me, you help yourself to a drink.” He gave me a rap on the shoulder and stalked off to help his wife unloading a trey.

I took him up on his offer, stealing a glance over to where Starke had been, but there was no sight of him and I refused to look for him – after all what reason did I have to do that?

“Sean, you remember Ronan, don’t you, you met at the wedding,” I heard Linda’s whiny voice a few steps behind me – I was thankful I wasn’t holding a paper cup, it would’ve been crushed in my hand when my grip tightened involuntarily.

“Hello, Linda, you look lovely today,” I said trying not to sound so neutral as to the point of being insulting. “Nice to meet you again, Mr. Starke, I trust you’ve been well.”

“Hm, yes, I’ve been fine, and you?” he seemed a tad uncertain at my short tone – I couldn’t imagine why he would think I would be anything but businesslike after our last disastrous encounter.

“I’m not complaining, you’ve given me plenty of work, it suits me just fine, nearly done now,” I said politely.

“Not so soon, really? I must say that is quick, you’re boss didn’t exaggerate your abilities. Oh, sorry, Linda,” he said when he saw her staring like she’d fallen out of tree, “I’m doing business with his firm. Rather interesting how Peter and Harry forgot to mention he worked there when they suggested the firm, don’t you think so?”

I should have known, ran through my head and he had that gleam of mischief in his eyes that Linda seemed to recognise because she blushed to the colour of a beet and then smiled politely to me and asked Starke if he’d seen the heirloom her aunt had sent as a wedding gift. Starke nodded to me as they left, I declined to nod back, and turned to the liquor.

Cold and sweet, I sipped my glass of white wine and wondered why I didn’t feel like drinking it.

Peter’s parents garden had always seemed enormous to me, but now looking around it appeared to have shrunk, the huge rosebushes were closer to the patio than I remembered them from childhood – I smiled to myself, recalling the time when Peter pushed me head first into them and the scolding he’d got. Still, there were many more memories far happier than that one. Where had those years gone?

“Be careful, darling, that’s not good for you,” a hand on my arm and a hint of a romantic scent in the air. I eyed Brian from the corner of my eye, having to look down as even in high heals he didn’t reach my shoulder.

“Well, look at you and in pants,” I said dryly, noting his clean cut, white ensemble – to be honest he looked positively stylish, but I’d never dream to tell him that.

“It’s a pleasure to see you too,” he replied, his voice much too soft for any man – and he wasn’t even feigning that part. “Will you be hitting me again? Or am I safe on this distance?”

I gave him a tilted smirk, putting my glass down and then I raised a hand to his face – there was a dark bruise underneath the makeup, but he’d done one hell of  a job covering it up. I pulled a face and let him go.

“I don’t know why I did that, bloody stupid thing to do,” I stated and picked up my glass. “Where’s the banker then, did you dump him?” Brian giggled at that, his pretty dimples showing.

“Oh him, I won’t be seeing much of him, but he was a good fuck. So, what about you? You went home with Ronan I hear, was he good?”

Oh, bloody great! I wondered what rumours were going around. It was damn well embarrassing enough everyone knew he’d dragged me inside from the party, who’d spread out that we’d gone home together? I gave an irked wheeze and shook my head.

“He gave me a ride that’s all, nothing happened.”

“Your loss, he’s bloody gorgeous,” he shot me one of those sexy, too cute looks and twittered while stroking his long auburn hair behind one ear. “Do you mind me having a go?”

“Who bloody cares? He might not go for your type though, I hear he prefers men!” I warned in a crisp voice, then I stalked off across the yard without looking back.

When I reached the patio where the others were sitting down to eat I became aware of how I must have appeared to Brian, rushing off like that. And why was I experiencing this sudden indignation because he was expressing a wish to sleep with Starke? It wasn’t as if I did – was it?

I didn’t pay much attention to the food, I was doing my best to be polite and I struck up a conversation with Harry, who I could always talk to about his gardening, which could take hours and meant I didn’t have to talk to anyone else.

As Peter helped his mother clear the table I reached for my cigarettes and moved my chair back a bit so no one would get smoke in their faces. As I lit it I happened to meet Linda’s eyes from the opposite side of the table. The smile she gave me was far from kind or sweet, but the cutting edge in the smile wasn’t heard in her voice when she spoke.

“There are people, you know, who don’t like smoking, Sean, maybe you should give up that disgusting habit,” my eyes narrowed and I was quickly losing my temper and the facade of calm I’d put up. What was with her, thinking she could lecture me like she knew me? “Wouldn’t you say so, Ronan?” she added seeking confirmation in Starke, who was sitting a chair from her, talking to Brian – to Brian? I gulped to my own irritation.

“What? Oh, you can’t smell it from there, Linda. Besides, smoking can be sexy to watch, don’t you think?”

Who gave him the right to stun me like that every time I met him? Bastard! For a moment my mind went through every possible retort I could think of and then I decided that ignoring him would be better, so I blew some smoke in his direction while grinning at Brian.

“Brian, darling, perhaps you should take up smoking.”

Peter sat down, his usual charming smile flashing towards me. Linda took his hand and locked her fingers around his in a possessive grasp.

“Who is starting smoking? What did I miss?” he asked and Brian huffed sarcastically.

“I was telling Sean he should give up smoking,” Linda answered.

“I’ve been telling him that since we were fifteen,” Peter grinned.

“Did you smoke at fifteen? I didn’t know that!” uttered Harry suddenly, looking surprised.

I laughed, trying to wave it off, but he seemed persistent so finally I shrugged.

“I did many things at fifteen that you didn’t know, Harry, smoking was the safest of them.”

“Like what?” Linda demanded still leeching on to Peter as if she owned him, I gritted my teeth trying to keep myself from saying something I’d regret again – and as I wasn’t drunk, I didn’t. Instead I rose, smiling till my yaws ached and said I needed to use the bathroom.

When I came out I caught sight of Peter, alone by the roses. He might’ve stepped out of a painting, he looked so perfect there with the sun in his hair and the roses forming a wonderfully impressive background. He noticed me and brought me the rose he’d picked, a pink bud, not even knowing how the gesture could be perceived or that it felt like its thorns bore into my heart. I smiled a thanks.

“I’ll be off now, I think,” I began.

“Oh? You know, sorry about that before, she lost her mum to cancer, you know,” Peter said.

“Yeah, well my lungs are none of her business,” I returned.

Someone turned on music and sudden laughter echoed through the yard, Peter nodded at me to follow him inside where it was quieter. We ended up by the fireplace in their living room – it was the kind where you expected Mary Poppins to step out any minute.

“What was that with Tessa, anyway?” he asked thoughtfully, “and why do you insist on saying ‘Brian’ when you know he doesn’t like it?” I picked up a photo of me and Peter age seven – we’d been swimming in the sea on a vacation I spent with them. Thinking about it I’d spent more than half my life with them.

“Brian is his name! Look, I don’t know, he just gets on my nerves, I guess, with that act! He doesn’t need to go overboard like that! And he’s always such a… a slut! Flirting with anyone who happens to be around,” I knew it was harsh – I didn’t mean it, but my dwindling mood was getting the better of me.

“All right, so you’re going now?” Peter said quietly.

“Hm, I think I should. I’m not very good company anyway, I’m not up for it. Give your mum my love, I’ll drop by with a gift in the week, but don’t tell her, all right?”

“Sure,” he hugged me and then went outside to join the others.

I steered my steps toward the hall, lost in my own sulking and trying hard to redirect my energies towards work, which usually helped me forget everything. Including people that others seemed to think was potential boyfriends of mine – only work had had quite the opposite effect lately. Damn them!

I’d taken one step through the doorway to the hall, when I saw a figure dressed in impeccable white leaning against the wall, arms wrapped around himself seemingly a bit tipsy if I knew him right. I was about to say something sarcastic about it when I noticed his shoulders shaking. Was he – but why would he be crying?

Then, in pure reflex I pulled back through the door to the living room when the door to the bathroom opened and I peeked – feeling slightly ridiculous – through the door and saw Starke exiting. Brian was about to flee into the sanctuary behind him but was caught and Starke tipped his face upwards.

“Tess, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” he asked so kindly it was as if it melted something in me.

“No, no I’m fine… it’s nothing… just something…” he gulped and then the gentle eyes lured a tear from him and then a sob. Starke handed him a handkerchief. “I’m so pathetic… just because. Oh, you don’t have to listen to me.”

“There now, did someone hurt you?”

“Just… it’s something someone thinks of me…”

My stomach turned to ice – I had no idea why it would, but it did and I felt suddenly frightened. It would be best to leave now and let Starke deal with it, they’d go home and Brain might actually get to fuck someone who wouldn’t just dump him, that would be nice for him – so why did it leave me feeling like I was about to lose something. Something I’d never had in the first place.

I was going insane, this mess was driving me over the edge. How could I be this torn? What did Starke mean to me anyway – nothing! He was nothing to me!

“If you talked about it that might make you feel better, wouldn’t it?” Starke asked stroking a delicate shoulder trying to comfort and calm the shaking and now sobbing man in front of him.

“I just… his opinion means so much to me. And… and I’m never good enough! He was my first, my first friend who was… was gay… but it’s… it’s… he really dislikes me… and that… that…” his voice trailed off and my heart was pounding, yet I refused to believe it. I wouldn’t even admit my suspicion – if I even suspected it, that would make it possible.

“Tessa…”

“My name is, is Brian!” he broke down, pressing the handkerchief over his eyes and I knew and couldn’t deny it. I swallowed a sudden lump in my throat – so stupid!

Brian was drying his tears and wiping at his nose when I looked out at them again, then I quickly turned my head to see if anyone else had noticed me standing here, but there was no one inside and only loud laughter and music could be heard from outside. The notion passed through my head that I should go out and say something, anything, to Brian, but what? And I didn’t want to with Starke standing there.

“I’m so pathetic… oh, look!” he showed the black streaked handkerchief to Starke who smiled shaking his head that it didn’t matter. “I must look like a panda! I’m sorry, I’ll need to fix this, I’ll clean this for you, give it to Linda after, all right?”

Starke nodded and let Brian disappear into the bathroom, handkerchief clutched in his hand, I closed my eyes fleetingly and could have groaned out loud. I realised then that Starke was headed straight towards where I was standing – my choices were rather limited and I picked the cowards way and fled. Almost colliding with Peter as I ran out I was forced to stop.

“I though you were leaving, forget something?” he laughed, steadying me. “You’re not drunk are you?” he laughed some more.

I drew a deep breath and shook my head, some of the other guests were looking at us and I turned my head to see where Starke had gone to, but I didn’t see him. The world seemed to become slightly unfocused and I moaned.

“Why am I such an idiot?” I asked and Peter shrugged, looking worried and then he pulled me aside, only this time we went around the corner and sat down on a stone bench.

“What’s wrong?” What could I say? Could I even begin to explain the truth to him? I wasn’t sure. He wouldn’t understand, I knew that, he was too naive, he wouldn’t think that my problems were actually problems, only that I was negative.

“I should move back to Manchester,” I murmured, he stared at me in shock.

“I thought you liked it here! With your friends and family. And your job, I thought you loved your job, don’t you?” he clung to my arm as if I was about to grow wings and fly away form him – god did I love him. Why did he have to be so damn wonderful?

“I do, it’s just things were easier, I was a better person up there,” I tried to explain, looking away from him not to let him see that my eyes had gone wet.

“You’re a great person here too, please Sean reconsider! You can’t just leave!”

I shook my head.

“Peter?” Linda emerged from the patio and her expression was that of someone suspicious and concerned. “Peter, won’t you dance with me?” she continued reaching out a hand for him.

“Later, love, all right?” he said still keeping his pleading eyes locked on me.

“But Peter!” she objected.

“I said not now! This is more important!”

Her eyes and slightly lax yaw revealed the shock she experienced at that very un-Peter-like response and she seemed to want to protest, but composed herself and turned on her heel; I heard her voice as she complained with a fake laugh that I was stealing her husband – wouldn’t that have been perfect. Peter let me go and straightened up, looking a tad awkward.

“Sean, if you want to move, move! Who am I to stop you? I’ve never been able to change your mind… about anything. Just, I don’t know, you’re my best friend, and I’ll bloody well miss you,” he gave me a quick hug and got up. He had left before I could think of anything to say.

I knew I would miss him too more than I could ever let him know, but loving him like I did would be easier if I wasn’t here, but far away. Life there had been so wonderful, I’d been so free and it had been easy, hadn’t it – it must have been.

I’d met Brian in Manchester, he had been so very different then. A small boy, really, shy and dull and always dressed in impossibly large sweaters that seemed to make him look even smaller than he was. He’d quit his job in the office where we worked because of me and instead went for what he loved – fashion, a love he’d brought with him here when I moved back.

It was nice remembering that, the good old days so to speak, but I was being silly, I should just go home and try to get some work done.

“We have to stop meeting like this!” those mischievous eyes glittered just inches from mine and I took a step back shrugging off the unease. I was going to have to start looking where I was going one of these days. I’d collided with Starke while walking out the gate; apparently he’d been to his car or something because he was on his way back in.

“Sorry, my fault,” I muttered and continued on my way – or rather tried, he didn’t move. “What?” I asked, immediately regretting sounding so rude.

“Did you drink?” he asked me – as if my drinking concerned him in the slightest.

“No, I’m like this sober too,” I admitted with a note of sarcasm and he grinned. “Anyway, I’m not driving.”

He moved without taking his eyes of me and I felt my pulse quickening as he got out of my way, but didn’t leave. There was something pensive about his look and I found it hard to turn my back on him. So we stood there, a familiar awkward tension beginning to fill the silence. My throat felt dry and even though I attempted to swallow at length I had to clear it and the sound sort of grew and made me want to take it back again.

“I hope I’m not the reason you’re leaving so soon,” he said after awhile, thoughtful eyes watching me.

“No. No, I wasn’t going to stay,” I shrugged, looking at the house behind him. Then he chuckled suddenly and I turned my gaze at him in surprise. “Why are you laughing?”

“Came to think of Linda’s face when she realised we knew they’d try to set us up,” he smiled, “she’s been at it since I met her, just her hobby I suppose. She’ll be the ruination of Peter, I’m afraid, if he lets her.”

“At least someone finds it amusing,” I replied, he stopped smiling.

I was tired, I realised, tired of being like this – on edge, always a sarcastic comment ready to get me into trouble, people giving me quick looks to see whether I was smiling or not, people frowning, people getting mascara all over other people’s handkerchiefs.

“Look, Sean,” he sounded serious and looking at him I found he had an almost sad look on his face – that was quite unexpected; I nodded that I heard him. “I realise we didn’t get off on the right foot and well, I’ve thought about it, quite a bit. I’ve thought about you. And I understand that you only judge this entire episode on the embarrassment I caused you.” He raised a hand when I opened my mouth.

“I don’t see it your way. What I do recall is how you looked at me after, that need, that longing to just get everything of your chest. And you could, couldn’t you?”

Who gave him the right to be so fucking glib anyhow? He laughed softly and I closed my eyes realising that I’d just said that aloud. I didn’t quite know how to respond, his mere presence made me nervous and I doubted my ability to react in any way remotely like I would wish to. What I had realised as of late was that I had an unpleasant respect for him and at the same time I knew I could like him – his humour and no-nonsense approach – if I’d only got to know him under different circumstances.

“Sean?” I sighed, still not knowing what to say. “Please say something. You’re making me feel silly.”

“Serves you right,” I mumbled and heard him laugh – why did it make me feel warm, even… glad? “I apologise… For, well everything, I haven’t been at my best.”

“No? Then I’d like to see you at your best,” he smiled at me.

“You can’t, I’m not, not at my best around you I’ve realised,” my face felt flushed and my body was trembling I decided I’d had enough of this and turned around prepared to leave this uncomfortable situation.

He grabbed my wrist. I stopped, stunned.

When I turned around he was just looking at me, almost pleading, but patient. My throat was too dry for me to speak and my arm felt weak, even though he wasn’t actually holding on to me, the touch in itself was enough to keep me there.

“Not again, you ran away last time, I won’t let you again!” he said while slowly shaking his head, a despondent smile reaching his eyes.

“What, what do you expect from me?” I asked, hating my voice that never sounded like I wanted it to.

“Stay,” it wasn’t an order – if it had been, I knew I would never have. “Talk to me, you could then.”

“Talk to you? What’s there to talk about?” I knew I lied to him with those words, but in all honesty he wasn’t the person I was trying to fool, still, I didn’t even manage to fool myself. He let go of my wrist and folded his arms – I had a flashback of my dream and shuddered. He looked questioning.

There was a long silence and I knew that if I tried to speak he would win, but perhaps that didn’t even matter. Perhaps I could let him.

“I… last time, in the pub, with your friends, I was, you see, not as sure of myself as I though I was. You know? I figured I’d put everything behind me, but with you showing up like a ghost in that office, I hadn’t… I’d just not thought about it, not dealt with it. I do that, you see, or not, I mean.”

Damn! I was sounding like Peter, out of breath and pushing on, while not knowing what I was saying.

“It’s okay, I can help you with that if you’d let me?” he said when I breathed in and he moved a few steps closer, again reaching out to touch my arm.

“Why? What do you expect, what do you want from me?” I asked, sounding almost worried, but not quite.

“I don’t expect anything, but I want you,” he answered, very quietly and very sincerely. There was no banter in his voice and no hidden meaning that I could sense.

I looked straight at him, our eyes met and even if it sounds ridiculous I knew time stood still, it was one of those once in a lifetime moments that people who write romance novels have happen in every chapter. This was for real though, and I knew what his eyes were telling me: This is it, take it or leave it! I won’t ask again.

“Give me some time,” I whispered. “It’s too fast.”

“I don’t want to give you time, if I do, you’ll have thought this to pieces in a day, or tried to forget about it again,” he was quite determined and I wondered to myself when on earth he’d started knowing things about me that I pretended I didn’t know and most certainly didn’t go around telling people. “I’m sorry, but I like you.”

Liked me? How the hell could he like me? I must have looked very sceptical because he smiled at me.

“Hard to believe? Look around you for a moment, Sean and try to believe, people adore you. Everyone here is a friend of yours, and they all love you, unconditionally!” he smiled.

“Even Brian,” I muttered feeling guilt overwhelming me.

“You’ll sort things out with him too, if you dare to. Do you Sean? Do you dare to have a friend who never tries to hide who he is?”

“That’s not fair! You’re not fair! What do you know anyway?!” my voice echoed through the neighbourhood – or so it seemed to me.

There was moment of complete silence after my shout, during which I was sure my ears turned permanently red and he chuckled slightly, and then people began emerging from behind the house apparently concerned and I wanted to sink through the ground.

“Sean…?” Edina looked so worried, the sweet woman.

“It’s all right. We’re just fighting,” Ronan said and I stared at him, he smiled at me and I knew then and there that I was just postponing the inevitable.

“You mean I’m fighting,” I muttered and received a broader smile. “You think this is funny?”

“Very,” he replied calmly.

I had no idea what to do. Was I even confused anymore? Looking at him I knew I wasn’t and hadn’t been for a long time, but when I glanced over at the people standing there, Peter, Edina, Harry even Linda I felt insecure and very confused. Something inside me struggled against wanting this. Childhood love never returned, could I let it go just like that? Maybe not, but I had to try, I had to, or I’d go crazy.

“I guess I’m not moving to Manchester then,” I said slowly, Ronan gave me a bemused look – I was beginning to really like that look. Peter grinned at me squeezing Linda’s shoulder; they were all looking so bloody expectantly at us I felt like I was on a bloody stage.

“Sean, isn’t it a pity they will think it’s their doing if something comes of this?” Ronan said gently and I couldn’t help but chuckle when a collective blush spread among them.

“Hm, where did Brian go?” I asked carefully.

“Home I think, tired,” Eddie answered me sweetly and I sighed – whether in relief or disappointment I wasn’t quite sure.

Ronan put a hand on my shoulder.

“Should I drive you home?” I nodded.

“I knew, didn’t I tell you? Well didn’t I?” Linda was jumping up and down with excitement, but I couldn’t work up the will to strangle her. “They’re just perfect!” I laughed openly, what did she think we were? Her dolls? She was imagining a fairytale.

Ronan’s hand slid of my shoulder, lingering on my hip. I shuddered, it had been quite awhile since such a simple touch had done anything at all to me, now I was reacting more obviously than I would’ve liked.

We got into his car. I hardly remembered doing this the last time, but I knew that this time it would stay with me. This time I’d see to it that the ride didn’t end by the door.

“I think I like you too,” I said.

“I was waiting for that,” was his casual reply.

“Hmm… what else are you waiting for me to say?” I asked laughing at him.

“You don’t need to say it, there’s evidence enough.” Bastard!

“Do you honestly like me? I mean, not just fancy me?”

He looked at me sideways and smiled.

“I fell for you when you kicked me in the shin.”