Drifting Memories

Title: Drifting Memories
Author: Dice
Pairings: Ronan/Sean OCs
Warning: Reference to attempted suicide by an off stage character.
Reference to off stage violence. Bad language as always ;)
Author's note: This one is as told by Ronan unlike the others in the
series. Brian/Tessa is the same person for those who may have missed
it. And thank you to Rusty and H for your support :)

*********

Drifting Memories


Watching his straight back as he walked rapidly towards the stairs,
my vision suddenly growing distinctly hazy, I knew this would be the
last, the very last time our eyes ever met.

Of course he was unwilling to even bear looking at me -- I must
disgust him. Not for the first time I vehemently regretted the way I
was and the manner in which I sabotaged every flourishing
relationship. I recalled the aversion in his eyes when I revealed the
truth and the alarm as our eyes locked even this brief moment.

My past was lashing back at me, I was forever being punished for the
sins I committed then. I breathed out in a sorrowful sigh, forgetting
his colleague standing next to me. She spoke in courteous tones, but
I didn't hear her just then.

"Pardon? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," I turned to look at her, she
was a very friendly, outgoing woman. Lacking somewhat the ability to
uphold a bridge between client and representative, yet I was rather
pleased with her work and it was unfortunate to have to let her go.

"I was just saying I hope you're aware Sean's opinions doesn't
reflect the whole company..."

"Sorry, I'm not following you?" my heart stood still at the mention
of his name. I regarded her with confusion, attempting to understand
what she meant by 'his opinions.'

She seemed rather uneasy and tried to give me smile, but failed,
turning her face into a strained mask. My sudden decision to drop
them had taken her aback and I was certain she was still reeling from
the shock. It wasn't merely Sean who had that extraordinary dislike
of losing clients.

"Well, I took it you were aware of his... thoughts, since you wanted
someone else..." her voice faltered as she watched me. I wondered
whether I looked angry, I didn't feel angry, just extremely tired.

Sean hadn't recounted his colleagues' response to those
circumstances, I remembered that we had had an earnest argument
concerning it. Or in truth I could recall spanking him for something
in association with that event, but then we had both forgotten about
it. Or I had at least.

I ended the uncomfortable conversation as politely as possibly by
referring to a prior engagement and hurried out of there. Against
common sense I did look around for him outside, even thought he had
naturally left as soon as he could. It was a long cheerless drive
home.



I checked my answering machine with the absurd hope to hear his
voice, but there was simply a few messages from people I worked with.
My friends seemed reluctant to ring me as of late, not that they ever
rang much. Usually Carolyn and Sandra simply wrote their diverting
and rambling e-mails instead, which always amused me. Ollie claimed
he used the phone too much during work and therefore avoided cancer
by not ringing anyone the rest of the day.

And as for Linda, well I'd rather not speak with her at the moment
anyhow, she was utterly devastated that Sean had, as she put
it, 'stomped all over my poor heart' and she used every breath to
proclaim how definitely disgraceful she though he was -- oh she did
use longer and far less flattering words concerning him and they
hardly helped ease my mind, as I found myself fervently taking
exception to all she said and trying to defend him.

It wasn't as if I hadn't expected to see him today, part of me had
even wanted to, though I had had the excuse that it was only polite
to meet with them for this dismal resolution. Yet utterly hopeless
romantic that I was, hope never completely left me, not until he
turned around without even acknowledging my presence.

"Ronan you daft bugger," I muttered dejectedly to myself and went to
pour myself a whiskey, but before I reached the cupboard I chose
otherwise and headed to the kitchen to prepare lunch. Sebastian had
promised to try to make lunch, if he could escape the fire breathing
dragon that guarded his tower.

But then again perhaps I had as little right to say anything about
his relationship as I felt Linda had to say about mine. Or lack of
one as it were.

I began making lunch, but found it hard concentrating even on the
simplest of tasks due to things drawing my attention from the food.
For instance the fact that I had begun putting the salt beside the
stove instead of on the spice-rack reminded me of his blameless face
when I told him where I wanted it and his compelling argument for
this different arrangement. And then the fact that he constantly kept
mixing the forks with the knives so that I still found forks in odd
places made me sigh and look up to complain about it... what was the
matter with me today? Honestly, I was behaving sincerely erratic at
the moment.

As it were I was still far from done when the doorbell rang and in
the sudden stress I stubbed my toe on the table leg and had to bite
off a curse. I was slightly out of breath and agitated when I finally
reached the door.

Sebastian gave me one of his concerned looks and stepped inside. The
smoke detector sounded before I could even say hello and I turned to
save the food in the frying pan.

"Just a moment... it's just..." he came in after me and regarded me
seriously as I stared down at the messy blackish substance that had
once been potatoes. "Well it was potatoes... now it's..."

I turned to put it down and he came up putting a hand on the back of
my neck, turning me around and into a hug. Like I'd comforted him so
many times in the past, like how I wished my brother had held me. But
all I could think now was how much I wished it was Sean I held.

"Are things that rough?" he said when I pulled away, I simply nodded -
- lying to Sebastian was as pointless as lying to myself. "You, you
saw him today then?" I didn't bother nodding.



"What did he want now?" I asked when Sebastian returned from talking
to Lee yet another time, he'd rung six times since my friend came
with various excuses. He was naturally keeping Sebastian under his
thumb as usual, watching him like a hawk.

"Nothing..." Sebastian pulled a face. He knew my feelings on the
matter, but I didn't say anything now.

The Japanese style watercolour beside the left bookshelf were crooked
and I rose to correct it, stopping underneath it to look at the
bundle of photographs carelessly placed on top of the books. Sean's
doing... Sean in the photos as a matter of fact. I stared at his
face, I'd forgotten about them. He was so charming, so careless and
yet so self-conscious, he hated having his picture taken and Linda
had chased him with that camera until he was about to break it over
her head.

Sebastian came up behind me, again with a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Ronan, why don't you just ring him? You had something, don't throw
it away because he's stubborn..."

"Perhaps I'm the stubborn one..." I mumbled.

"You love him..."

"I loved Andy too!"

He stepped back a bit, and I shrugged. I knew he hated it when I
mentioned him. No other relationships in my life had been such utter
disasters and Sebastian thought that I was simply torturing myself by
dwelling on it.

Sometimes I counted the time in before and after Andy, and at other
times I counted it simply before Sebastian, not that he knew that.

"That has nothing to do with this," he said, sitting back down in the
sofa.

"It does..." I objected. "Sean doesn't even know, but he senses it,
he doesn't trust me anymore... no one should ever trust me again..."

Sebastian muttered something about my lack of intelligence, well he
called me a bloody numbskull, but there's no need for details. It
would've angered me, I didn't relish being insulted in any way, but I
couldn't work up any energy to disapprove at the moment. He looked at
me, no he glared at me. So unlike kind and gentle Sebastian, where
were those looks when Lee was whining?

"Of all people, don't come telling *me* that!" he said sounding quite
upset.

"You knew! I lied to Sean! He doesn't know I put someone in a mental
hospital!"

"You didn't! He should've been there in the first place! You know
that!" I closed my eyes. I wanted to hear those words and I wanted to
believe them. I usually did believe them. It wasn't my fault, never
had been, but the guilt was there all the same underneath it all.

"He came to me for help... and I couldn't..."

My vision was clouded and the room was so quiet the silence seemed to
take up all space. I hadn't told him, about the phone call. Andy's
voice, trembling and still so calm. It was little over a year after
me and Sebastian first decided on our arrangement.

"You're just feeling bad about Sean, stop dragging this up now!" I
nodded, of course, he was probably right, but I still felt like
tormenting myself with guilt.

I hadn't felt like this since, well not for a very long time.

"I'm sorry, you're right..." I forced myself to say, and even to
smile. He guessed to some extent that I wasn't telling him the truth,
but he let it drop, like one does when not prepared to dig too deeply
into someone else's mind, old friend or not.



The next week went by so slowly. I began sleeping less and less, I
had always had these bouts of insomnia as a youth, but in recent
years they had been rare.

"That'll be £4.50... thank you..." Chris, the clerk, flirted with me,
he always did. He was sweet, we'd had a few nice chats late like this
when there were no customers in line. Still, he was a little young
for me though... perhaps Tessa would like him. I'd have to see about
ringing her one of these days. It felt awkward thinking ringing one
of Sean's friends. But really I'd quite liked Tessa and there was no
real reason for us not to keep in touch. Was there?

I packed my things away smiling at Chris, who winked and put a bar of
chocolate on top of my detergent.

"Oh that's not mine..." I said.

"I know, but a man who buys detergent at eleven o'clock at night is
in dire need of chocolate, I always say," Chris grinned. "Besides
with the lack of condoms you've been buying I take it things went bad
with the smoker, am I right?"

I gave him a dry look and he laughed. Pulling a face I took the paper
of and put the chocolate in my mouth speaking around it.

"Ich's nod ov yorh bvusnech!" he shook with laughter as I left the
shop and I couldn't help but grin at him from the door. Such a
sweetie.

I decided that ringing Tessa, or Brian, which Sean always called her,
wasn't such a bad idea. I could check how Sean was doing as well,
without having to go through Linda and Peter. Well that wasn't being
obsessive, he'd been a big part of me... my life, for quite awhile,
it was only natural I wondered about him.

My apartment was fairly far down in the old building. I didn't
appreciate heights and a marvellous view the way Sean, for instance
did, I wanted to be close to the ground where the trees, the few that
there were, was above me. In all honesty I wanted a house, but what's
the use of having one when you're alone in it? I refused to become
some reclusive old hermit in a great big house somewhere.

I had been cleaning frantically a few days ago, a silly outlet for
the frustration that never seemed to want to let go. I'd found a tie
that didn't belong to me and a comb, it was odd that he had forgotten
so few things here. Well I'd given his shoes to Peter and my slippers
had been returned, if they didn't so acutely remind me of that day I
would probably be very amused that he'd walked all the way home in
them. As it were there was merely a dull, perpetual ache inside me
and I'd put them in a cupboard.

I read the paper again, sorted my laundry and watered my plants.
Anything not to have to go to bed, where I'd be tossing and turning
indefinitely. I knew that had I been somebody I knew I would have had
a serious talk with me about this type of bizarre behaviour.

Finally I drowsed off in the sofa and didn't wake up until the
teenager in the apartment above mine assaulted my eardrums with some
screeching music at 1 o'clock in the afternoon.

It took a shower and a steady meal to make sense of the world again
and still I chose to take the day off rather than to try and catch up
with any work today. I'd always deemed my choice to work at home as
one of my better notions, but I supposed it prevented me from getting
out as much as I needed.

It was a very nice day, a tad chilly it seemed, but nice
nevertheless, the sun glinting through the clouds and lighting up my
kitchen.

Recalling my idea from the night before I picked up the phone and
after hesitating awhile, even attempting to dial a few times, I
finally gathered enough courage to actually ring Tessa. Unfortunately
the cell phone number I had seemed out of order, which struck me as
odd seeing as it wasn't all that long ago I'd been given the number.

After three tries I gave up and went to find Tessa's home number
instead. I consider myself something of a perfectionist, neat freak
if you were to ask, well any of my former boyfriends. Still I had a
hard time finding the note where I'd written the number down. After
nearly an hour -- once I start something I rarely give it up -- I
found it stuck to the notice board in the kitchen... obviously so I
wouldn't forget where it was. Quite a perfect perfectionist, wasn't I?

The phone rang and rang, I gave up after five signals and decided to
ring back later.



The signals seemed to go on forever and after ringing three times
with a few hours in between, I gave up, there was no reason for
someone like Tessa to stay home in the evening, she didn't usually
seem to do that anyway and I realised that I would seem pathetic
ringing this many times.

Really there was no need for me to be ringing at all, it wasn't as if
we'd become very close during the time I'd been with Sean. But
somehow, my intuition was giving me the feeling something wasn't
altogether as it should be. I tended to believe in my intuition at
most times, I was rarely wrong, though lately I had been very
uncertain about most things.

I listened to it now much more than I had when I was young, I had
made the mistake of ignoring it once and I had ended up finding my
lover soaked in blood in a bathtub. He hadn't died then, but his
family, people I had never met, had taken him with them. I hadn't
wanted them to put him in that home, I'd wanted to tell them that it
was wrong, but deep down I'd known I couldn't, that I didn't have
that right. I'd failed him.

Moving Sebastian in with me had been, I admitted to that now, a step
in the process of escaping from my past. I had been reasonably
successful in that escape up until now, but it was all going to
pieces around me.

"Stop being so melodramatic, you bloody twat..." I muttered to myself.

I decided to ring Linda, Peter wasn't too thrilled with me, not that
he blamed me as much as Linda blamed Sean for the break up, but I
still felt that he wanted to stay loyal to Sean and he was uneasy
talking to me.

"...I got it! I got it!... Hello!" Peter's voice, a bit stressed
perhaps, or just tired, I checked the time. Oh for heaven's sake it
was ten thirty.

"Oh I'm sorry, Peter, I didn't realise it was so late... is Linda
busy? It's Ronan."

"She's in the bath... can I help?" he was a very kind person, not the
type to be peevish when one rings at ten thirty at night. I smiled to
myself.

"Oh, it wasn't important, I was just going to ask whether you know
anything about Tessa's cell phone? It seems to be out of ordered and
I couldn't reach..."

"Oh! Of course! You didn't know! She staying at Sean's now," he
sounded suddenly concerned and I felt an indescribable emptiness come
over me. Tessa with Sean? "It's an awful mess, just terrible! Well I
shouldn't get into it too much I suppose, Sean didn't want us to drag
you into it, though he was asking for you in the hospital, the silly
prat!"

"Hospital?!" I swallowed and looked at myself in the mirror across
the hall, my face had lost all it's colour.

"Er, yeah, it's all right, no harm done, just a cut on his arm, this
weirdo's been stalking Tessa for a couple of weeks and she's staying
with Sean, well Sean went over to pick up some things for him and
this bloke came at him with a knife..."

As I hung up I didn't know whether I was boiling with anger or
shaking with anxiety. Peter hadn't known too many details it seemed
or he'd been too confusing to speak with for me to manage to get a
clear picture of it all. He always managed to sound as if you knew
what he was thinking in between the things he actually said.



You'll believe me if I say I didn't sleep that night? Horrible images
of Sean cut up in pieces flashed before my eyes until I went up and
had a cup of tea with milk. I felt silly standing in the kitchen in
my underwear drinking tea and thinking of what on earth I was
supposed to do. I had to see him, I simply had to.



So at seven o'clock the next morning, a rather chilly Saturday, I
found myself ringing the doorbell to Sean's apartment. I felt small
and frightened in a way, what right did I have to impose on him like
this? He wasn't very likely to want me here.

He opened fully dressed and with a pen stuck behind his ear -- not
that I paid much attention to his state of dress, I was merely
staring aghast at the bandage on his forehead and the black eye. The
frown on his face took me a moment to note. We didn't speak.

Finally he cleared his throat and straightened up as if to make me
act, when I couldn't manage to state my reason for coming he sighed.

"A little early to come calling, isn't it?" he sounded utterly
sarcastic in that way he has that makes me just want to turn him
around and swat him hard. "Was it Peter? What do you want from me?"

"Who said I came to see you?" I took him aback, he didn't expect me
to fight his attitude with the same coin.

There was a moments pause again.

"Wh-who is it?" Tessa's voice was small and nervous. Whatever this
person had done it'd been too much for her that was more than clear.
Sean glared caustically at me.

"It's my ex!" Oh spit in my face while you're at, why don't you?

"Who?"

"Ronan, it's Ronan..." he allowed me to pass him, leading me into the
living room where Tessa, or rather Brian for he looked far from a
Tessa at the moment, sat curled up in the sofa under a comforter. He
was dressed in a far too big T-shirt, Sean's most likely, and his
hair was shorter than when I saw him last.

"Ronan! Darling!" he smiled at me with a mischievous glimmer in his
eyes. "Did the watch dog bite you?"

"Are you all right?" I sat down next to him, my god he looked tiny
without those elegant clothes and flashy hairdos.

"Fine just fine... shaken but not stirred, eh? Oh you look dreadful,
you don't sleep enough! Just like him, if I told you how he..."

"Bri!"

"Oh, bugger. Make some tea, won't you, Sean?" Sean scowled; I could
never say that he pouted, he simply wasn't cut out for pouting. Sean
did death glares, not pouts.

Well I soon found out the whole sordid story from the chatterbox in
the sofa. He wasn't half as broken as he'd seemed, or he simply acted
very well -- which of course I knew that he did. Apparently he'd met
a man rather a long while ago, who had gone berserk the morning
after. This same person, a certain Jim Tinker, had since come by his
shop, wrecking it when not finding him there, and later been
searching him out, threatening and following him.

"Poor Jonah! He was devastated, he called the police after the shop
was wrecked... I couldn't believe the mess they made... the police
that is! And how he got my number I'll never know, him, you see not
the police... anyhow, we were forced to close down the shop..."

I was watching Sean as he moved about, bringing Brian breakfast,
pushing around papers and things with a rare glance towards us. At
certain points he was about to interrupt, but changed his mind
seemingly trying to ignore us, or at the very least me. He was polite
enough to bring me tea though, for which I was very grateful. I tried
giving him a smile but he didn't meet my eyes.

Brian continued telling me about how after the fourth threat that had
resulted in a black eye for Brian, the police had suggested he dress
less flamboyant and try to keep a low profile.

"And then he was outside my apartment one day when I was coming home.
I'll tell you I near up and wet myself! Well I turned tail and ran!
Happily Sean was home, not that I was better off here... the telling
off he gave me still makes my ears burn!" he laughed sipping his
tea. "I should've told him, I suppose, he's my best friend after
all..." his eyes took on a sudden affectionate light of admiration
when he looked at Sean, who just muttered something faint and went
into the bedroom.

I smiled despite myself.

"So... Peter said he, well that he was in the hospital..." I tried
fishing for some information about Sean without sounding too eager.

"It was the day after... all my fault, he wanted to make up being so
mean to me I think... you know, he threatened to box my ears..." he
laughed, "I started crying, I've never seen him so angry..."

I held my breath with my eyes towards the bedroom door, wondering
whether he'd heard what I was being told and whether it would bother
him.

"Oh well, I should probably let him tell what happened when he got
there, but never mind, he wouldn't tell you all the same. Well he
went to fetch some things for me and seeing as he'd never seen him,
he was surprised when he jumped him. He was stabbed once, upper arm
and knocked unconscious, my neighbours phoned the police because of
the racket. Not that they've caught the bloody bastard!"

He picked up his teacup, sipping it thoughtfully.

"Sean will kill me if he finds out I told you, but the first thing he
said waking up was 'where's Ronan?' Peter wanted to run and phone you
straight away, but I suppose it was for the best that Harry and Edina
stopped him..." Brian looked at me sadly. "He misses you, but he's so
stubborn I think Peter would've had his head bitten off... the poor
boy he was so distraught! Peter that is... Sean's parents came too,
not pretty... well his mother never went in... his dad had a thing or
two to say until the hospital staff asked him to leave, can you
believe it?"

Suddenly he clambered off the sofa and picked up his clothes. He
smiled at me saying that he was starting to feel silly sitting in bed
like some king in an audience chamber.

"I'm going to leave the two of you alone," he said very resolutely as
he brought his trey out in the kitchenette or whatever was
appropriate to call Sean's little kitchen and bar. He then went to
put on his shoes and jacket while I tried to tell him it was probably
not a good idea.

"Do you love him..." his question came out of the blue and yet I
didn't hesitate even a moment when I heard it.

"Yes."

"I don't know what happened, but you deserve a chance, at least for
closure if nothing else, I'll just take a stroll down to the café.
They have the most delicious new baker there..." he winked and then
closed the door, leaving me bewildered in the middle of enemy
territory.



Work seemed to be piling up for Sean I noticed as I looked around the
living room, so very unlike him. The mess was the same though, my
fingers itched to start picking things up, but he hated it when I did
that and what he would do now if I took that liberty was not
something I wanted to think about.

I folded Brian's bed linen and sat down in the sofa. My presently
restless mind kept prodding me to get up and do something, but I
refused it. Questions came unbidden time and time again. What would
Sean do when finding me still here? What was I supposed to say to
him? What was taking him so bloody long?

"Did he leave...?" Sean stopped dead, he stared at me for just a
moment before looking away.

"No he didn't," I answered and he gave me an ironic curl of his lips.

"Did Bri go out? On his own?" he asked then, a nonchalant tone spoilt
by the worried frown and the glance towards the door.

"Yes, he was going to the café he said..." I guessed that he hadn't
been out alone then for a long time because of the mess with the
stalker. I shuddered, I didn't want to think about it. Things like
that didn't happen to people you knew and cared about, they just
didn't. I wanted to ask Sean about the stab wound, but he was having
no more polite conversation.

"So what do you want?"

You! Hadn't I used that line before? Well so much for that then. I
looked concerned at him, he was thinner really, or was that just what
I wanted to see. He surely hadn't slept well that much I could tell.
There was something dark about him. Something pained.

"Look..." What was I going to say? Of course I had thought about what
to say to him if I ever got the chance, but what you make up in your
head late at night and what you actually say aren't the same.

"I though we had said everything we had to."

"Well you maybe!" I stated calmly. "Look, just allow me a few words,
please and then I'll walk out of your life forever if that's what you
want."

He shrugged and stood there, shoulders slumped his face turned away.
It ripped at my heart, but I had no right to ask him to look at me or
to touch him, and knowing this hurt even more.

"The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt you. I love you. It
was a long time since I was really in love with someone and I suppose
that I let things just happen with us in a way I shouldn't have. I
demanded so much of you, I... I didn't realise I wasn't giving as
much back..." I waited for him to react. But he didn't. He was as if
made of stone.

"I don't know what to tell you, except I'm awfully sorry about never
giving you the choice you deserved. I didn't tell you half as much
about myself as I expected you to..."

"Why didn't you?"

I looked up puzzled as his voice came across the room, there was
something so tense about him I wished I could go over and hold him,
touch him in any way. It was sheer torture knowing I couldn't, when
had I become so desperate for him?

"What?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" he said and turned slightly to look at me
his hands shaking on top of some papers in a pile and his brow
furrowing into that menacing little scowl. I sighed, I didn't have a
choice, if I wanted even a chance at winning him back I would have to
tell him everything.

And that might mean I'd lose him forever.

"Where do you want me to start?" I asked quietly.

"Wherever! Tell me how you could use me like that!" He bit his tongue
and stared away from me.

"I didn't, I never felt anything remotely like arousal when I spanked
you!"

Saying it out loud seemed to make it too real to him, he fled, walked
briskly away from me and made sure the bar was in between us when he
turned towards me again. He had a suspicious look. It gave away a
lot, he was easy to read and yet so immensely complex, just one of
the things I loved so much about him.

"When I gave up the scene, I gave it up completely. I had too many
bad memories from that time..." he still watched from a distance,
tensely, waiting. "Seeing Desmond brought back a lot of those
feelings, which I suppose is why I didn't handle the situation as
well as I would've otherwise."

I didn't know what to tell him, what it would take to win him over.
Perhaps it was a lost cause, perhaps he wouldn't be won over. I
sighed and walked over to him. He stiffened and moved backwards.

He was about to object when I sharply put up a hand for him to keep
quiet. There was a hesitant look on his face as he closed his mouth
and relaxed against the kitchen counter.

"I don't demand a second chance, Sean, if you want me to leave I
will. But I'm telling you now that nothing I did was ever meant to
hurt you, or use you," he snorted in disbelief, but wouldn't look at
me when I was this close. I wondered for a second if he was afraid
that I was indeed telling the truth. "I'm just so sorry you found out
the way you did. I can understand your feelings better than you know."

"Oh you can, can you? Well that's lovely to hear, now can you take
your little speech and go tell it to the bloody..."

"You just have to ask and I'll leave... I just want a clean break, if
a break is what you want. Nothing more."

There was a moment when feelings fluttered across his face, I took
them in quickly trying to sort them out. He face was so familiar I
had traced those features with my fingers so many times, when they
laughed and when they cried. Now he seemed anxious and angry at the
same time, troubled and tired.



It happened so quickly. Suddenly he was pushing past me and almost
stumbling, his voice came out in a little yelp as he watched a pile
of folders and papers tip over and scatter around the room. I stared
at the mess... was this a sign?

"How can? Why the hell did this happen?!" he was picking up
papers. "Bloody hell I won't find a thing in this! Bet there're
fucking gremlins in this bloody building!" his voice was nearly
trembling.

"It was just overbalanced... here let me help you..."

"No! You're just making it worse, you'll just... it's just... I
don't...... I asked for you in the hospital!" the last he said hardly
breathing quickly and quietly.

We sat still on the floor in the middle of his paperwork and looked
at each other. He seemed suddenly very lost and I reached out a hand,
he didn't move away as I held it against his cheek. I nodded.

"Peter or Brian?" he asked dryly sneering, only not half as grimly as
earlier.

"Both," I said gently.

He leaned forward tentatively and his forehead touched my shoulder, a
sound like a deep breath on the brink of tears broke the silence.

"Tell me what made you... stop..." I knew instinctively what he meant
and I'd been afraid I would have to answer this question, but hadn't
I thought the answer through enough? Had I wanted to go back I
would've, but I hadn't felt the urge to not even once in all the
years Sebastian and I lived together and not after that.

"I had a lover... I was young and idealistic and I thought that love
conquers all, you know? He was... we were in love, but it didn't
matter in the end... he wanted pain to rid himself of the pain inside
and I could offer that. I suppose I really thought for awhile that I
could help him."

"But you couldn't," Sean spoke against my neck, his breath warm and
comforting. I blinked away sudden tears.

"I couldn't and he tried to take his own life... he went to stay in a
hospital for quite some time, and during this time I moved in with
Sebastian to try and heal my heart and also help someone with more
manageable problems," I drew a breath and dried an especially
obstinate tear from my cheek.

It was impossible for me to tell him what I had never even told
Sebastian, not the worst part, not the part that I still dreamt
about. Not Andy's voice on the phone, trembling and still so calm.
Not that last time.

"Don't lie..." Sean said with a throaty voice. "I... I could bear it,
you doing that to me, but only while I didn't think you were..."

"If you're worried that I ever took pleasure in spanking you I can't
assure you in any other way than telling you that no I did not. But
what good is that, eh? I do think though, that during the time I
lived with Sebastian I separated discipline from any sexual feelings
since believe it or not I really never had those feelings for
Sebastian... perhaps because he always seemed to think of me as a
brother."

He nodded -- to my utter surprise he nodded, slowly and uneasily, but
still he nodded. The flood of relief I felt was immense, weeks worth
of despondency and fretting ran away like a wave sweeping through me.
I let my arm tighten around him.



It was somewhat later. The living room tidied up and a few questions
about his work having been asked by me and ignored and avoided by
him. He was sorting out the last few papers and glancing at me now
and then. Finally he straightened his back and looked at me uneasily.

"So... what are we suppose to do now? Do we kiss or what?" I gave him
a look torn between laughing and just thinking he was so
adorable. "Quit that!"

"Quit what?" I asked a tad uncertain.

"That bemused look you have, it's driving me mad!"

"Bemused?" I tried for a second to stifle the laughter but I couldn't
and suddenly he was in front of me, glaring fire at me. He moved
carefully and I felt his lips brush against my jaw line, just ever so
slightly, but it was there, a kiss. I turned to meet his lips with my
own.

A moment passed while we kissed, I felt as if it couldn't get long
enough.

"Will you do that, that thing to me, if I ask you not to?" he mumbled
against my hair.
"No," I stated firmly.

"Never?"

"Never."

He kissed me again, deeper and with much more certainty. I finally
dared let go and feel the hunger and lust I'd pushed far away flowing
freely through me. My hand bumped into his as we both tried to raise
them at the same time and he laughed against my lips.

From the hall came the sudden bang of from the door closing. He gave
us a quick look and smiled slyly.

"Just making certain you hadn't killed each other... I'll go over to
Peter's now... do I have good news for him?"

"Get out before I throw you out!" Sean growled at him but there was
laughter behind the threat.

"I'll take that as a yes then darling, shall I?" he blew him a kiss
and vanished out the door.



I woke with a start at first unsure of where I was and then
recognising furniture and the clutter of Sean's bedroom. I relaxed
and dragged my hands through my hair. The voice in my dream was still
clear as ever. Just as it had been that night, trembling and still so
calm: 'I just wanted to say good bye, I never got to say good bye
before.'

The sleeping figure next to me moved, a murmur reaching my ears.
Turning over I slid my arm around him and buried my face in his hair.
I had come much too close to losing this, whatever happened now I
knew that I would never let it go that far again.


The End