The Rabbit and the Badger

Title: The Rabbit and the Badger

By: Dice

Pairing: Rick/Ben

Summary: Just a silly snippet, REALLY silly, you’ll hate it

Author’s note: OK, I though we could use some fun, at least I hope it’s fun, it’s late so maybe it isn’t funny. Probably not. I laughed when I wrote it, but that says more about my sense of humour than the snippet. Anyway I hope you’ll enjoy it.

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Rick came in the door and walked straight over to Ben, who shifted on the chair trying to sink into the flowery wall behind him. But there was no escape, this was it, he was doomed, doomed I say, doomed! *Evil laughter echoing that only Ben could hear*

“So, you missed the doctor’s appointment did you?” Rick folded his arms and glared like an angry badger. Ben folded his arms too, but it only looked as if was trying to hide in them.

“I forgot!” he squeaked and Rick’s hands went to his hips.

“This is the third time, why do you keep doing this?” he asked through clenched teeth.

“I don’t know. It’s embarrassing!” Ben made the mistake of looking at his boyfriend – big mistake he still looked like an angry badger.

The angry badger showed his teeth and growled something about showing him embarrassing and then he went to rummage through the trash – that is he rummaged through the stupid cupboard filled with trash. Well Ben could wish it would all go in trash, couldn’t he?

Rick vacated the cupboard and returned with a scary looking thing in his hand, Ben screeched and hid behind the chair only popping his eyes over the back, like a rabbit poking its head out a hole.

The rabbit and the badger measured the distance between them and waited. The badger feinted to the right – the rabbit flinched, but they both remained in position. Next the rabbit made a move and the badger jumped. The deadlock continued for two more minutes and then the rabbit made a break for it, the chair clattering to the floor and the table with flowerpot next to it wobbled dangerously. Rick saved the flower and put it on the coffee table, then he walked solemnly towards the bathroom door.

“Open this door now, and we will talk!” he stated.

“You’ll talk and I’ll beg you mean!” Ben whined.

“Suit your self, mister, I won’t be kind now.”

He was gone for a long time, but everyone knows badgers bite till they hear bones crunch. Ben pulled his feet up on the toilet lid and readied himself.

There was a scratching sound as Rick picked the lock with a knife and then it opened. Ben fired his weapon and Rick gave a surprised and then outraged cry in disbelief. Ben kept on soaking him with water from the shower and until he backed off and finally retreating to reassess his battle strategy.

Half on hour and three dry shirts later Rick was ready to start negotiations – or so he claimed. But rabbits don’t trust badgers with dangerous implements, so to even open up a passage for said negotiations, the badger had to sacrifice his holy stick (cane/stick same difference).

Ben would have been happy to sacrifice the stick to the porcelain god, but that was asking for more than he could handle – and for a visit from the plumber. He “hid” it behind the bathtub.

Then he exited the bathroom, sneaked over to the living room door and watched the badger in his lair. There were no implements in sight, only a book on the coffee table. Ben relaxed – a hand spanking he could deal with – he entered the lair.

Rick looked up with a smile. Ben hesitated – that smile was known to him, it was the I’ve-tricked-you-and-you’ll-never-guess-what’s-coming-smile. The rabbit made for the door, but the badger was glued to his midsection before he could reach it. Rick dragged him back to the couch and sat him down in it, seating himself next to him – still smiling. Damn was that good or bad?

“I’ve decided that because you won’t go to the doctor’s, we’ll do the examination at home,” Rick said jovially.

“Yeah? You can do that?”

“Oh, you bet,” Rick reached for the book, it was a medical book, and leafed through it. “this will do, it’ll do just fine.”

Ben breathed a sigh of relief – this was better than anything he’d hoped for. But then he remembered Rick’s smile. But too late. There was no warning; he was just tipped forward and the carpet’s pattern appeared before his eyes. *Several four letter words coursing through Ben’s head, but remaining there, because now was not the time.*

His pants was aided off his lower half and he tried desperately to aid them back on, but luck wasn’t with him.

A group of shivers made a journey down his spine and settled in goose bumps on the twin mountains – completely unaware of the natural disaster that would soon happen to them. It started with a minor earthquake as Ben’s cheeks clenched in anticipation and then the shivers living in the goose bumps dressed up as pain and ran down his legs and some moved back north still in their old form.

“AAAOOOOIIII!!!” the rabbit went.

“Don’t make such a fuss!” the badger replied.

SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! the medical book went.

“AOUCH!! AOUCH!! AOUCH!! AOUCH!! AOUCH!! AOUCH!! AOUCH!!” the person to whom the assaulted bum belonged replied.

SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!! Relentlessly the medical book fell and fell.

“Please stop! Please stop!” the poor rabbit cried.

Then the badger picked the rabbit up and the dry shirt became a wet shirt too, but this time Rick wouldn’t care to change. He hugged his little rabbit and chased the tears away with meaningless murmurs that meant everything and he kissed the red puffy face that was turned upwards to him.

“Are you okay?” Rick asked.

“You tricked me!” Ben said.

“You knew you were getting it,” Rick asserted with a little smile.

“But you tricked me!” Ben complained again.

“I didn’t cane you that was the deal, right?” Rick kissed him when he opened his mouth again. “Right?”

“You don’t love me anymore!” Ben snivelled.

“I love you evermore,” Rick kissed him again when his mouth opened for a protest, and again when it didn’t help, third time it was followed up by a swat to Ben’s thigh.

“Whatever happened to freedom of speech?” he muttered as Rick got up.

“It was cancelled,” he grinned. “Now I’ll just go get you a new appointment, okay?”

“No, Rick, please!”

The badger was back glaring at him from the living room door, the rabbit dove into a pillow.

“What is so terrible about going to the doctor?”

“It’s not really the doctor,” Ben admitted from behind the pillow.

“So, what is it?”

“It’s when the nurse calls me, it’s so embarrassing, everyone always laughs,” he looked up, with indignation written on his face.

“So do you think it’s easy for me to go there? I still do it,” Rick folded his arms.

“It’s worse for me!” Ben hugged the pillow.

“Oh quit acting like such a baby!” Rick’s hands went to his hips.

“All right, I’ll go! I promise, I’ll go!” Ben yielded with a pathetic wail.

“Good!” Rick turned towards the kitchen. “And Mr. Dover, you’d better go this time, I mean it, or that cane will be put to use!”

“You try and find it, Rick O’Shea, you just try!” Ben called after him.

There was a moments silence and then, ominously as the badger reappeared in the doorway:

“Ben… what did you do with it?”

The rabbit fled to the bathroom.

The End