Stephan and Dom: A Snippet

WARNING: This includes serious angst and domestic violence.

Stephan sank to the floor in the bathroom, the sliver of metal, still sheathed in cardboard cluthched tightly in his hand. He shook his head, closing his eyes against the urge pressing in on him. One breath... Two... He couldn't shake it off. The metal of the tub was leeching the warmth from his back and he shivered. He opened his eyes. They'd taught him this...They'd taught him this...

He fumbled with the paper cover and withdrew the small blade. He turned it over in his hands. It was just too much. Too much to expect of him. He had to decompress. Like they'd taught him...

***

"Hey, I'm sorry, I heard about the... What's wrong?"

Stephan jumped, swearing to himself. His boy could move like a cat. He quickly palmed the blade and clamped his arm to his chest, but not quickly enough. Dom's expression had gone unreadable as his eyes travelled down to Stephan's arm and the tell-tale smear of blood on the front of his shirt. Without a word, the young man spun and stomped out of the bathroom. In seconds, Stephan could hear angry footsteps on the stairs. He sighed, cursing softly.

He cleaned and bandaged his arm and changed shirts before heading downstairs himself, his stomach twisting in anticipation of the confrontation that was about to take place. He found Dom in the kitchen, pacing, arms crossed over his chest. Dom refused to meet his eyes.

Stephan waited in the doorway for several minutes, but Dom gave no indication of wanting to speak, so Stephan cleared his throat.

"Dom?"

He kept pacing.

"Dom!" Stephan said more sharply. Dom stopped and glared at him.

"What?" he demanded.

Stephan took a deep breath. "Look... I'm sorry..."

Dom gave him an angry look. "Whatever..." He turned away.

"Dominic!" Dom froze, his back still turned. Stephan closed his eyes, composing what he wanted to say. "I'm sorry, baby. I just... I couldn't handle it. Tom and I were close once, really close. When I heard... I just slipped. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to *me*," Dom snarled, turning and pushing past Stephan into the dining room. Stephan turned to follow him.

"Hey! Give me a break, huh? One of my best friends died today."

Dom turned, warring emotions on his face. "I know, I'm sorry" he said, his tone gentler. "But that doesn't mean you have to carve yourself up!"

"Dom... I didn't hurt myself. I know what I'm doing."

"Do you *know* how insane that sounds?" Dom was beginning to pace again and Stephan felt his patience slipping.

"It's not like I'm going to cut a vein or something!" he said, exasperated.

Dominic stopped and looked hard at him. "Do you think that makes it ok? You don't have to do it at all!"

"I do! I don't know any other way! It's all I know! It's all I've been taught!"

"Oh bullshit! Don't give me that shit again! You aren't in the service anymore! You can learn something else!" Dom was shouting now. He was standing, hands clenched at his sides, eyes blazing, barely a foot away from Stephan. "The rest of us do! When did god come down and tell you you're so special you don't have to deal with the real world?!"

Stephan opened his mouth to answer but was too stunned and angry and hurt to speak. Before he had a chance to think, his hand rose and he slapped Dom hard across the face.

Dom stumbled and caught himself, one hand over his mouth. He blinked, dazed, and looked up at Stephan. What Stephan saw in his eyes made his blood run cold. Fear. Shock and horror overwhelmed him as the realization of what he'd just done hit home. He reached out toward Dom, but Dom stepped back quickly, eyes wide. He took his hand from his mouth and glanced at it. His teeth and lip were slicked with blood. He looked back up at Stephan in mute terror.

Stephan stepped toward him, "Oh God, Dom, I'm so sorry!" he whispered, but Dom stepped back again, throwing up his hand defensively.

"Don't!" Blood was trickling over his lip and down his chin. Stephan swallowed and dropped his hands to his sides, tears rising in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, baby... I'm sorry..."

Dom wiped at his mouth with his hand, still backing away. He picked up his coat from the back of the couch, and raised his bloody hand, pointing at Stephan. "Stay... here..." he hissed. "And don't you *dare* don't you *dare* hurt yourself! This is about *me*, not you, *me*! Don't *even* be so selfish as to hurt yourself over this!" His eyes were wide and his chest was heaving.

Stephan felt the tears spill down his face, but he didn't try to stop him as Dom backed toward the door and opened it. In a moment, he was gone.

Stephan slid to the floor, gasping, tears streaking his face. He looked down at his hands helplessly. Violent, hateful images pounded in his brain. All he wanted was to slash himself. Punish himself. Make the pain stop. But he didn't deserve release. He deserved this suffering. So he sat. In the living room. Sobbing silently.

The sun sank, sending long shadows across the wood floor. The tears finally stopped leaving an aching emptiness in Stephan's chest. He didn't move as the shadows blended and darkened into night. The faint glow of the nightlight in the hall was the only illumination in the room. Stephan stared into the darkness. He hadn't eaten since lunch, but he was beyond hunger. His back ached, his legs were cramping, but still he didn't move. The pain in his body no longer registered against the numbing pain in his heart.

It was sometime past one in the morning according to the chiming of the grandfather clock when Stephan heard a key in the front door lock. There was a faint crescent of light from the streetlamps across the floor as the door opened, and a dark sillhouette came into the room.

The door clicked shut and the lock clacked.

"Go to bed," came Dom's soft voice. Flat and expressionless.

Stephan raised his eyes to the shadowy figure. He couldn't see Dom's face in the glow of the nightlight. "I'm sorry..."

"Go to bed." Without another word, Dom dropped his coat over the arm of a chair and disappeared down the hallway to the stairs, momentarily blocking the nightlight and sinking the living room into darkness.

Stephan forced himself to his feet stiffly. Pins and needles flooded his legs and he limped across the living room. Kicking off his shoes, he fell onto the couch and stared at the dark television. He wasn't sure when he sank into a fitful sleep. His dreams were filled with disturbing images. He awakened often in the dark, disoriented, only to have the memory of the events of the evening come flooding back with painful clarity, and cry himself back to sleep again.

He awoke before sunrise, in the grey pre-dawn light of morning. His mind was finally clear. He had to leave, it would hurt Dom, but it was more important that he was safe, and he was clearly no longer safe with him. The thought cut him deeply, and he doubled over on the edge of the couch, caught by a helpless sob.

Slowly, he pulled himself back together and slipped on his shoes. He rose quietly and went into the kitchen. He looked into the basket for his keys and found it empty. There was a jangling of metal behind him and he turned. Dom was standing in the doorway, holding up his keyring. His face was faintly bruised. The corner of his lip was swollen. Stephan closed his eyes as another gut-wrenching wave of pain threatened to drown him.

"Were you going somewhere?"

Stephan slowly extended his hand. "Give me the keys, Dom..."

Dom frowned, considering, then shook his head. "I don't think so."

"Give them to me, Dom." His voice was firm and resolved, but his heart was aching in his chest.

Dom pushed the keys into his pocket and cocked his head to the side. He motioned toward a chair. "Have a seat."

"Dom... You're not safe with me, I need to leave..."

"Siddown! You hit me, you can at least listen to what I have to say."

Frowning uncertainly, Stephan eased himself into a chair. Apparently satisfied, Dom slid into a chair opposite him and began tracing abstract shapes on the tabletop, lips pursed. "I'm not a victim," he said, looking up abruptly. His eyes were bright and intense.

Stephan blinked. "No... You're not."

"And if you ever hit me again, I will disappear and you will never find me..."

"Dom, you should have done that already. You never should have come back to me... I've always taught you that. If anyone hurts you, run. Even me. Never let anyone hurt you..."

Dom's gaze had grown cold. "Just because you're my top doesn't mean I am suddenly incapable of independent thought."

Stephan blinked again. He hadn't been saying that... "Of course not..."

"You're going back to therapy," he stated flatly.

Stephan nodded slowly. "That would probably be a good idea."

"And you're going to one of those seminars for people who beat their spouses. Anger management whatever...." Stephan wasn't sure where the conversation was going so he remained silent. Dom raised his eyebrows at him. "Well?"

 "Okay... But I still..."

 "Stop it."

 Stephan stared at him. "Dom..."

"Stop! I forgive you. I don't want you to leave me. I'm giving you a second chance."

"Dom, this isn't forgivable. There shouldn't be a second chance. Ever."

"Maybe. For some people. Not for us."

"Dom... I'm sorry, I never want to hurt you."

"You think leaving isn't going to hurt me?"

"I know it will. But at least you'll be safe..."

"I *am* safe! I trust you!"

"Maybe you shouldn't!"

"Do you think I can't make this decision??"

"I don't think you're thinking clearly!"

Dom stared. The silence lengthened. Stephan looked down, unable to meet Dom's eyes. "I thought about it all night... What did you think about?" he said finally, softly. "It isn't you. It won't happen again."

"Dom, I never thought it would happen a first time. How can I know it won't happen again?"

"And so what if it does?" he said, his temper flaring again. "I'll survive, and I'll be gone. What's one more slap that might never come? That is so terrible that you'll leave me to avoid it?"

"One slap is too many already, Dom." Stephan felt like crying. He didn't want to be doing this. He didn't want to be convincing Dom. He didn't want to have to leave. He just wanted it to be over. "Please, Dom. Stop making this harder than it has to be."

Dom was silent, breathing heavily. Suddenly, he stood so abruptly he knocked his chair over backwards. It crashed to the floor. He dug the keys out of his pocket and flung them across the table at Stephan. "Bastard!" he shouted, then stormed out of the kitchen.

Stephan propped his elbows on the table and dropped his face into his hands. He sat that way for a long time. Finally, he took the keys and shoved them into his pocket and rose. Wandering through the living room, there was no sign of Dom. He walked quietly up the stairs and went into the bedroom. He stopped in the doorway. Dom was lying face-down on the bed, shaking slightly.

"Dom?" Stephan crossed the room and sank down on the bed beside his partner. He put one hand on the small of Dom's back and rubbed gently. "Baby?"

Dom slowly untucked his face from his arms and twisted around to look at Stephan. His eyes were red and his face was wet with tears. "Please don't leave me..." He wriggled around until he was on his back and worked his arms around Stephan's neck, pulling him down into a choking embrace. Stephan held Dom gently, his throat tight and tears stinging uncomfortably at his eyes. "Please..."